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  • 6/16/2010

Psychological Roots of Not Having a Baby


By: Dr. Badri Sadat Bahrami

Translated By: M.H. Broomand

Having a baby means making a decision about the life of another one and inviting and telling him that we are completely ready to accept him. It should be considered that a wife and a husband do not feel uncomfortable about their children.

It seems that the spouses who disagree about the time of having a baby with each other, should revise their relationships and the rate of their awareness of marital life. If you are spouses who do not have a relaxed and comfortable life, it is recommended that do not have a baby, before go¬ing to a counselor for solving your problems. By any means, the baby will not solve your problems and one should throw away this wrong belief. In addition, you should know that a baby has his own problems. His coming influences even your matrimonial relationships. His birth makes an effect on the time of your eating, sleeping, and waking up. Due to the baby and the special cares, your job will be affected. All of these are some cases that definitely will happen.

Our tip is to reach mutual understanding and to know the personality characteristics of each other because the damage your baby will be faced due to your conflict is more serious and harsh. If you regard this important point as petty, you will face

serious problems in his simplest training points and have debates and conflicts with your spouse regarding this subject. Stick in your mind, with large fonts that being a good spouse is the prerequisite for being a good parent. If you fulfill all the obligations and responsibilities of being a spouse as effectively as possible, you will be suc¬cessful in your second function, namely being a good mother or father.

If a man and a woman know and believe that they are good spouses for; then they have passed the prerequisite score for being a parent well. But sometimes, however, they hardly have appropriate answers for the excuses of rejecting the spouse.


Why Does Someone not Like to Have a Baby?

1. An escape of childish experiences:

One of the reasons is because of the pains the person has suffered in childhood and so he or she is not willing to invite someone else to tol¬erate these sufferings. Such persons always ac¬cuse their parents of "why you bore me", "why I am the sacrifice of the instability in your life?" If you take heed, the definition of such persons of having a child means making someone else miserable. If your reasons for not having a child are like this, i.e. to suppress your internal prob¬lems, it will be better to meet a psychologist for the prelcrential treatment. Your fear of your baby having the same fate as you is curable. By see¬ing a psychologist, you will be able to solve your problems and enjoy being a parent.


2. A special kind of view and ideology:

Some say that when the natural resources of the world are going to finish so fast, the next genera¬tion will definitely deal with a myriad of prob¬lems and copious adversities and "I wouldn't like my child to be one of them!"

In reply to the reasons which such persons give for not having a child, it should be mentioned that because of the power and authority of the human mind, human beings can always cope with the problems they face, whether when living in the cave and fearing the thunderbolt or in the present


period and in the future. By utilizing the power of thinking, not only, they cope with all the prob¬lems but also provide for themselves the tools and facilities of an easier life. God Almighty says that We have bestowed the intelligence to you so as to make use of the nature and invariably in different procedures of life. He sends succor and assistance, both obvious and concealed, to solve our problems and so, concerning our views of the world, it may be better to revise a little bit.


3. Child means limitation:

A child means less liberty. Some spouses be¬lieve that their freedom and enjoyment of life are finished when they have a baby. They say that with his existence in our lives, we cannot reach our goals and dreams. Some of them think that first, they should reach the goals that they wish in life and then think about having a child. Such thinking is wrong. They should take this matter into consideration that children, because of their sweetness, not only do not limit the enjoyment of life but also create a new purpose in your life. Sometimes, the existence of children can catego¬rize your aims and make them attainable and en¬hance the motivation of reaching them. Giving birth to a baby can give a kind of enjoyment in your life; hence, some think when spouses have some problems with each other, a new kind of enjoyment should enter their lives in order to in¬fluence the previous ones. Of course, this wrong attitude brings many problems for the families and for the time being, all know that when the problems between the spouses are not solved, they should not think about having a child.


4. We are still babies:

Some say "we do not have the ability to think about having a child. From where do we know that how many years we have such a feeling towards each oth¬er and our lives teeming with love and affection will continue? Why should we give birth to a baby whose preserving responsibility is like a chain around our feet and due to this, we have to live together in any circumstances? If a baby does not exist, we will part from each other simply!"

This is another reason which some people try to jus¬tify! In the reply, some points should be mentioned. People should pay attention to the age of pregnancy and also what is the best age difference between them. The vast age difference between the baby and the parent is a comprehensive problem which is shown in the combination of the babies. When a mother at forty gives birth to a baby and when the baby reaches twenty, she becomes old and should know this age difference between them hardens the training and the relationship with the baby; especially those women who are unwilling to have a baby. You should be aware of the best age of pregnancy and the side-ef¬fects of pregnancy after youth. The next point is that many moments in our life, some problems may hap¬pen to wreak our relationships. But of course, a little attempt can relieve the damaged relationship and re¬vitalize the desires and interests between spouses. Is the existence of children, a motivation or stimulation of the interests, why not! There are many spouses try¬ing to learn the skills of living together better due to their children and by using these skills in their common life, they come to the conclusion that they wish they experienced the enjoyment of living together better earlier through learning such skills.


5. Financial problems:

Those who claim that because of financial limitations they hardly have the power of having a baby and cannot tackle them, should remind themselves of this important point, whether the happiness of your baby depends on financial facilities. By experience, it is proved that too many financial facilities can lead the chil¬dren to adversities and a great deal of corruptions. Sometimes, these vast amounts of financial facilities cannot let the potential talents and abilities of the children be blossomed and flourished. These children have many different amenities without any efforts, but when going to the society, they do not have skills and succinctly speaking, be incapable and inefficient. Thus, to have a baby the average financial capabilities and facilities of the parents for handling a baby are required and should be considered enough. Moreover, the defined and determined financial facilities can give you the possibility of planning differently. Your children are motivated to reach whatsoever they demand and learn to try.

Source: Salamat Weekly Magazine

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