Tips for a Better Husband and Wife Relationship [Electronic resources] نسخه متنی

Tips for a Better Husband and Wife
Relationship

Although many Muslims may right now be in failing marriages and on a
fast track to divorce and its terrible consequences, there are many ways to put
their marriage back on the right track if the husband and wife are sincere in
their desire to reconcile. The following principles can be used by Muslims whose
marriages are already in trouble or by Muslims who would like to avoid trouble
in their marriage.

Examples of Negative
Relationship of Husband & Wife

Many
Muslim husbands and wives treat each other like adversaries rather than
partners. The husband feels that he is the boss, and whatever he says goes. The
wife feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some
wives never show their husband that they are satisfied with anything he does or
buys for them in order to trick him into doing and buying more. They make him
feel like a failure if he does not give them the lifestyle that their friends
and families enjoy. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate
them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in
the family.

Marriage In The Eyes of
Allah

It is very sad that this relationship
which Allah (SWT) has established for the good has been made a source of
contention, deception, trickery, tyranny, humiliation, and abuse. This is not
the way marriage is supposed to be.

Allah (SWT) described marriage very
differently in the Holy Quran: '. . . He created for you mates from among
yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and
mercy between your (hearts) . . . " (Holy Quran 30:21, Yusuf Ali
Translation).

Do not be a
Tyrant

Regardless of whether or not Islam
has made the husband the head of the household, Muslims are not supposed to be
dictators and tyrants. We are taught to treat our wives well. The Prophet
Muhammad (SAWW) was reported to have said: 'The most perfect Muslim in the
matter of faith is one who has excellent behaviour; and the best among you are
those who behave best towards their wives".

Be Partners in the Decision Making
Process.

Follow the principle of "Shura,"
and make decisions as a family. There will be much more harmony in the family
when decisions are not imposed and everyone feels that they had some part in
making them.

Never be
Abusive

Never be emotionally, mentally, or
physically abusive to your spouse. The Prophet (SAWW) never mistreated his
wives. He is reported to have said: 'How could they beat their women in daytime
as slaves and then sleep with them in the night?"

Be Careful of Your Words

Be very careful what you say when you are upset. Sometimes you will
say things that you would never say when you were not angry. If you are angry,
wait until you calm down before continuing the conversation.

Show Affection

Show
affection for your mate. Be kind, gentle, and loving.

Be Your Spouse's Friend

Show interest in your mate's life. Too often, we live in the same
house but know nothing about each other's lives. It would be great if the
husband and wife could work together for the same cause or on the same project.
They could perhaps establish a husband/wife prison ministry, take care of
orphans in their home, or lead an Islamic weekend class.

Show Appreciation

Show appreciation for what your spouse does for the family. Never
make your husband feel that he is not doing good enough for the family or that
you are not satisfied with his work or his efforts, unless, of course, he is
truly lazy and not even trying to provide for the family. The Prophet (SAWW) was
reported to have said: 'On the Day of Judgment, God will not look upon the woman
who has been ungrateful to her husband.' Show your wife that you
appreciate her. If she takes care of the house and the children, don't take it
for granted. It is hard work, and no one likes to feel
unappreciated.

Work Together in the
House

The Prophet (SAWW) is known to have
helped his wives in the house. And if the Prophet (SAWW) was not above doing
housework, modern Muslim husbands shouldn't feel that they are.

Communication is Important

Communication, Communication, Communication! This is the big word in
counselling. And it should be. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It
is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let them pile up
until an explosion occurs.

Forget Past
Problems

Don't bring up past problems once
they have been solved.

Live
Simply

Don't be jealous of those who seem to
be living a more luxurious life than your family. The "risk" is from Allah
(SWT). In order to develop the quality of contentment, look at those people who
have less than you, not those who have more. Thank Allah (SWT) for the many
blessings in your life.

Give Your Spouse
Time Alone

If your mate doesn't want to be
with you all the time, it doesn't mean he or she doesn't love you. People need
to be alone for various reasons. Sometimes they want to read, to think about
their problems, or just to relax. Don't make them feel that they are committing
a sin.

Admit Your
Mistakes

When you make a mistake, admit it.
When your mate makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never go
to sleep angry with each other.

Physical
Relationship is Important

Be available to
your mate sexually, and don't let your sexual relationship be characterized by
selfishness. The Prophet (SAWW) was reported to have said: "It is not
appropriate that you fall upon your wives like a beast but you must send a
message of love beforehand."

Have Meals
Together

Try to eat together as a family
when possible. Show the cook and the dishwasher, whether it is the husband or
the wife, appreciation for his or her efforts. The Prophet (SAWW) did not
complain about food that was put before him.

Be Mindful of Your discussion
Topics

Never discuss with others things
about your marriage that your spouse wouldn't like you to discuss, unless there
is an Islamic reason to do so. Some husbands and wives, believe it or not,
complain to others about their mate's physical appearance. This is a recipe for
disaster. Information about your intimate relations should be kept between you
and your spouse.

Many of us treat our spouses in ways that we would never
treat others. With others, we try to be polite, kind, and patient. With our
spouses, we often do not show these courtesies. Of course, we are usually with
our spouses at our worst times --- when we are tired and frustrated after a hard
day. After a bad day at the office, husbands usually come home angry and on
edge. The wife has probably also had a hard day with the children and the
housework. Wives and husbands should discuss this potential time bomb so that if
they are short-tempered with each other during these times, they will understand
the reasons rather than automatically thinking that their spouse no longer loves
them.

Good Marriage Requirements
Good marriages require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice,
empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work. Following these
principles should help any marriage to improve. The essence of them all can be
summed up in one sentence: Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be
treated. If you follow this rule, your marriage will have a much greater chance
for success. If you discard this rule, failure is just around the corner.
from the book of Aytullah Abraheem Ameeni
(Topic of Marriage ) Dar Salaam Newsletter)